breakthrough.

and i'm through with my blog break. blog break through? :)

i read i think one of my favorite articles ever in time magazine yesterday. it began with the author hiding in a bathroom while at a cocktail party. tractor beam: sucked me right in. once, when i went to kansas city and happened to meet all of jeremy's high school friends and distant relatives in one weekend before he left for alaska for the summer, i hid in a bathroom. and did pushups.

so anyway, the article is so good. it's about being introverted. and i am. sort of. okay, a lot, i think.

the reason i like it so much is the ending. the author has spent the entire article describing characteristics of introverts, almost to the point where the validating-resonating-encouraging effect is wearing off and things are starting to feel a bit hopeless for a reader who doesn't want to just call themselves an introvert and stop there. at the very end, he describes this professor who is extremely introverted yet teaches one of the most popular classes at harvard, spending most of his time lecturing and speaking. the professor calls this a phenomenon, the free trait theory: "the idea that while we have certain fixed bits of personality, we can act out of character in the service of core personal goals." he still feels stress in his position, but he's able to go on because, he says,  "the value of lecturing and speaking -- of truly connecting with his students -- trumps the discomfort his introversion can cause him."

i thought of playgroup. or sojourn on a sunday. so many people. i can go home lonely when i choose to let my fear of meeting someone new or having an awkward i actually don't know what to say conversation with somebody i sort of know trump the desire i have to connect with people and develop authentic friendships. and i thought of joseph, my sweet little introvert. he wants to have friends and play kindly with them, but he gets overwhelmed and selfish and he hits and screams no and pushes down babies. gulp.

i think there's more to it than being introverted for me. and for joseph. for me, there's a fear of man idol. i've been realizing/God's been showing me how exhausting and lonely and lifeless it is to fear man. i'm reading you can change by tim chester, and in this book, the author challenges readers to recognize the lie that is behind every sin and negative emotion and instead turn to truth. to choose that which satisfies over that which does not. kind of like the professor -- he chooses to his way more satisfying professor-ship over unsatisfying hiding in the bathroom.

i want to choose fear of God over fear of man.

but i need help.

i lift up my eyes to the hills.
from where does my help come?
my help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth. -- psalm 121:1-2

the Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall i be afraid? -- psalm 27:1

two breakthroughs of the week: joseph got through a playdate without attacking his friend. huge. we prayed beforehand and saw God work so clearly in softening his heart. and i got through a playgroup without freaking out about what everyone thought of me. also huge. God is working in our hearts. we're introverts. and sinners. and we need him to help us.

oh, annnd here are my kids:

happy tuesday, friends. :)