in the summer & into fall

in the summer, we painted the upstairs bright white and sectioned off half of it for aunt rach. she packed her car and drove to louisville to live with us. in the summer, she was aunt rach who lives with us, rach who we know and love, rach who showed up my sister and left a best friend. and now when i think of it, it feels pretend almost, but it's not. it was a sweet six weeks, and my heart is filled full with thankfulness for it. there was just a rachel-feel to that time, you know?

 

in the summer, i listened to jude's go-to-sleep songs and my heart was softened by "yes, God's the one. and guess what, too? yes, God's the one who does just what He says He'll do." not just because jude was learning to sleep without me, but because this is a sweet and deep promise: God does just what He says He'll do. it stands out the most from all the lines in all the songs. and it helps buddy boy to sleep. win-win.

in the summer, we got away for two, almost three days, and we discovered a magical tunnel down a road we accidentally took and a quiet suspension bridge on the trail along and over the river, and when we get back i remembered what eye contact with jeremy was like and felt so refreshed.

 

in the summer, we listened to avett brothers and ate an entire watermelon in one day and counted down to the kind pilot's fourth birthday and heard over and over from judy, "i hit a ball. with a bat. it hit a tree. i'll show you." we did the slip 'n' slide and filled up the pool and played with eli from next door three or four times a week. we strung lights over the deck that are really just Christmas tree lights but make the backyard magical in the evenings.

in the summer, i started cutting and sewing paper something fierce, and one day opened the kind pilot, where we have a special love in our heart for things that go in the air. many a mama-time became crafting time and so many hours went by so fast tying fishing line to tiny airplanes and hot air balloons and hanging them from embroidery hoops and writing descriptions that sometimes i can't stop laughing about and taking pictures against our backyard shed because it's a surprisingly good blue when you look at it.

and now summer is ending, and we are bidding a fond farewell to its humidity and welcoming fall, filling our weeks with back-to-school feelings, even though really, we're just doing a little homeschool preschool here and there. i know fall is more than adding pumpkin and cinnamon to ice cream, but really, it doesn't need to be much more, am i right? i'm stocking up (well, as soon as my tingling fingers scissors break is over)on paper and thread cheer for a booth at sojourn's affordable art show in october and enjoying the potential to wear hooded sweatshirts and drink coffee outside in the morning. jude turns two on wednesday and we're celebrating with a campout.

we had a good summer. and i think fall's going to be good.

quiet thought

it's a quiet thought and it's not exactly complete, but my heart is stirred tonight.

we had a members' meeting for sojourn. jude had a fever last night, so he stayed with me, which means he scrambled around in the back room while i half-listened, which was fine with me since the big one who skipped his nap to sing mahna-mahna was the rascally one today.

from my scrambling-supervising position, i could see these three mamas with their babies in carriers, all standing in the back swaying and bouncing with i think all three babes fighting sleep. it looked like a club that jude and i were sort of in, except he'd twist out of the carrier now and say "i want to get down." which is crazy.

over the hour and a half, i had five or six short conversations -- updates on my sister's baby shower, shared love of childcare at the end of a wednesday, how and when to jump into school decisions, garden sprouts and rabbits, etc.

nothing profound, but i realized driving home that i felt full.

a few months ago, this prayer request jumped out of my mouth and made me feel silly afterwards, but it was words overflowing out of a heart that felt very alone asking for prayer against that feeling and for courage to reach out. there is an enemy who tells lies that i believe; lies like you are by yourself and, even though it's not logically possible, the rest of the women here might actually be perfect and you should protect yourself. and i've seen over the past couple of months the Lord working in that -- in pointing out lies and also pointing out times to reach out and connect.

and then tonight was this wonderful and simple i'm not by myself feeling.

not by myself at sojourn, not by myself in what my life looks like, not by myself.

there's this group of beautiful instagram/blogger ladies that i tend to follow from afar because my friend natalie is one of them. a couple of weeks ago, they got together for a weekend, and i think for a lot of them to meet for the first time in "real life." as pictures popped up from their time, some of them sharing anxiety leading up to the weekend, from far away i saw how glorious these women who know the Lord getting together could be and started detecting, just barely feeling it, this glimpse of someone who doesn't want that to happen. who knows of its encouraging and life-giving potential. who wants to put anxiety and fear where excitement and anticipation could be.

it made me want to pray for them, so i did, which felt a little funny because they are really people but they're also sort of these instagram celebrities who i don't actually know.

anyway, that's connected to tonight's thought, too (mamas and babes, not by myself, instagram weekend meet-ups -- see it?) which i want to continue thinking and expanding. and i want to do more fighting against this sneaky devil. he knows how strong women who love God and aren't afraid of each other and are not by themselves can be.

from today's adventures

joseph's post preschool field trip to a revolutionary war encampment reenactment thoughts:

"mama, does a soldier actually start out as a baby?"

"mama, i actually want to be a soldier."

"mama, even if i was a soldier, i would be very kind. i would share my gun. i would let somebody see my gun if they wanted to."

"mama, does a soldier have a dada?"

"mama, how does a soldier get a uniform on?"

"mama, where's my uniform?"

"mama, does a soldier have a house?"

"mama, i would like to see a soldier up close."
"mama, do we have any guns?"

"mama, do we have swords?"

i think we may have some more studying to do. :)

oh, and this happened:

we've been waiting for the thunder air show for a year, but when i told my neighbor i was (by myself) taking the boys, she started laughing, and then i think felt bad for laughing and emphasized that she was sure i could totally handle it. so we ended up at bowman field, where all the stunt planes for the downtown show started out. there was a mini-show each time a set of planes landed, and 3 miles less walking to and from our car, so we much preferred the bowman field version of the thunder air show. :)

birthday thoughts

i think it's fun on your birthday to make "birthday" the adjective/adverb of the day.

this morning, i took a birthday drive to anchorage, went birthday walking, had some birthday mama time followed by birthday lunch with my three handsomes, and then we all took a birthday walk before heading home for naps. i just took a birthday shower, and i might try to sneak in a birthday nap of my own before jeremy gets home with our new ...

birthday dining room table. (!!!) farewell, vintage table of old from when jeremy was growing up; hello, new farm table from world market.

other birthday thoughts:

i am loved by my Father. like really loved.


{from psalm 18}

i love "he brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." on easter sunday, in this giant field on this perfect night, i was reminded of what a broad place feels like.

and this morning these words of rescue spoke to my heart as i realized that my birthday followed a pretty challenging and, honestly, a pretty angry week, and really i didn't feel super great about myself. good thing i don't have to have a good week to be loved by the Lord. for real. you don't. i mean, good weeks are good and all, but (sigh) He loves me. thank You, Jesus.

i am loved by my husband (so handsome) and these boys (so feisty) and family and friends (so near and so far).

i am twenty-nine years old.

life is hard & good, and God is really good.

happy birthday to me :)

this one:

melting my heart this week.

for real. the things that have come out of this bright-eyed boy have been sweet and hilarious and pretending-he's-a-friendly-bulldozer-all-morning wonderful.

last night i started this post fully intending to document a list in amazing things joseph has said this week fashion. then i realized that i couldn't remember more than one and even that one couldn't capture the heart-warmed i just want to look at you and how are you seriously this tall feeling i have for joseph bourne linneman. conveniently the post was cut short when jeremy heroically returned from his trip to target to purchase a new and fully functioning dvd player exactly 11 minutes after he left. studfest.

i realized later though that not being able to remember all of the things joseph had said was actually kind of perfect. i think part of the reason this has been such a sweet week with him is that i've been looking at him more. an imperfect facebook/instagram break will do that for a mama -- for me, at least -- open up space to look more clear-eyed at life before me and these boys. it feels like not having those moments documented is pretty fitting.

jude, who celebrates his half birthday today and insisted on adding jo-jo to the half birthday song, has also done his share of heart melting. including saying "look-at-that!" and squealing in laughter at things like open closet doors. and this morning he said "pilot."

i like when the Lord opens up space like this. i like seeing and hearing my boys. more thoughts on taking an instagram/facebook break another time. :)

for further reading:

joy of quiet

social networks explained

on preparing for sabbath

in defense of the iphone mom

saturdays are for sharing thoughts

it was a week that made me wake up this morning and think "well, that didn't work out so well." the thought was refreshing. i've noticed that's one of the gentle ways the Lord convicts me -- a quiet thought along those lines. a very matter-of-fact moment of realizing what i'm doing is not working.

it was a selfish week. it was a selfish week where i thought the world revolved around me, and you know what's true and interesting about all of the dizzying busy selfishy self-thoughts i have had this week? they haven't changed in any bit the fact that the world does not revolve around me. i've just been thinking that it does. and it's made me miserable and discontent and anxious.

this morning i read this to the boys from thoughts to make your heart sing:

"what if the planets put themselves at the center instead of the sun?

CATACLYSM!

the bible says that's what it was like when we sinned.

God made his children's heart to join together in the wonderful dance of joy -- orbiting and circling around him. but we put ourselves in the center instead of God. we put ourselves in God's place -- which is what sin is."

it's true: my heart was made to revolve around God. not me. it's sin when i put myself in God's place. and it also doesn't feel very good. because it's not what my heart was made to do.

after the first part of our morning, the boys were watching mighty machines, and i sat down to read and think, gearing up for some deep soul-searching and pondering. about two minutes in, jude (literally) galloped around the corner and ran up to the couch where he planted himself for a few seconds before climbing all over and pulling the cushions off and balancing on the side and that sort of thing. and again with the gentle voice from the Lord: i can just do that.

it really did make me think,

i can see how this week was really bad and how selfishly sinful my heart is and how it's not working for me AND i can just gallop to the Lord and hand that to him.

(not that i'd look this handsome.)

i love that the Lord showed me my sin AND His love at the same time.

so that's what i did. that's what i'm doing. turning to Him with only this simple notion of how this whole revolving around me mentality isn't working, so i'm going to ask Him to help my heart revolve around Him instead. and not in a buckle down and get to it way -- that's the best part! the rest of the thoughts to make your heart sing:

"it broke God's perfect world. and now our hearts are out of step with God and the universe and each other and our own selves.

but God had a plan.

and a Rescuer.

one day Jesus would come to take the cataclysm of our sin into his own heart.

and lead us back into the dance of joy."

fifteen minutes left on the rice cooking thoughts:

i hope that someday my boys remember this home as the one that always sounded like prop planes flying overhead. i hope that thought fills them with home feelings.

 

reading this today -- "lift up your eyes all around, and see; they all gather together, they come to you; your sons shall come from afar, and your daughters shall be carried on the hip. then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and exult ... " (isaiah 60:4-5) -- made me want a daughter (who i carry on my hip), even though i know it's not actually supposed to be a read-this-and-want-a-daughter passage :) following the story/journey of this family from our church back in missouri makes me think about how maybe that daughter could be adopted. how incredible to hear their story of being handed their daughter and from that point on being her parents.

pandora is nice but sometimes it makes me nostalgic, and i think the greatest description of nostalgia was in this episode of mad men when don draper calls it "...a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone."

this is my favorite thing i've ever made:

and these are my favorite about-to-become-parents-who-are-awesome sister and husband who visited us this weekend:

when i was pregnant with joseph, melissa made me a beautiful bird mobile that became more of a mama-mobile given that i have never tired of starting at it. and i get really excited imagining meliss with her newborn babe looking at this mobile and trying to decide which hot air balloon is her favorite in the way i could never quite decide on my favorite bird. i can't wait for them to meet their babe.

lars and the real girl was a really good movie. my favorite scene was when the sister-in-law tells lars how everyone in the whole town is taking in bianca because of him.

this book is incredible and practical and one i think i'll return to as our boys travel from stage explorer in which they want to climb and experience and adventure to each new age. right now, the authors say my boys primarily need open space, boundaries, consistency and understanding. open space, in particular: true that. oh, spring, come quick. we are so enjoying straight to the backyard spend an hour outside life these warm(er) days.

we sold our accord for $300. jeremy's parents bought it for $500 four years ago and gave it to us. shaboom.

and finally, i know these are like four/more? years old, but this:

 made me laugh really hard. and want to quit my blog. or just keep it going but take it less seriously :)

there is entirely too much ryan gosling in this post, and i apologize.