birthday thoughts

i think it's fun on your birthday to make "birthday" the adjective/adverb of the day.

this morning, i took a birthday drive to anchorage, went birthday walking, had some birthday mama time followed by birthday lunch with my three handsomes, and then we all took a birthday walk before heading home for naps. i just took a birthday shower, and i might try to sneak in a birthday nap of my own before jeremy gets home with our new ...

birthday dining room table. (!!!) farewell, vintage table of old from when jeremy was growing up; hello, new farm table from world market.

other birthday thoughts:

i am loved by my Father. like really loved.


{from psalm 18}

i love "he brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." on easter sunday, in this giant field on this perfect night, i was reminded of what a broad place feels like.

and this morning these words of rescue spoke to my heart as i realized that my birthday followed a pretty challenging and, honestly, a pretty angry week, and really i didn't feel super great about myself. good thing i don't have to have a good week to be loved by the Lord. for real. you don't. i mean, good weeks are good and all, but (sigh) He loves me. thank You, Jesus.

i am loved by my husband (so handsome) and these boys (so feisty) and family and friends (so near and so far).

i am twenty-nine years old.

life is hard & good, and God is really good.

happy birthday to me :)

this one:

melting my heart this week.

for real. the things that have come out of this bright-eyed boy have been sweet and hilarious and pretending-he's-a-friendly-bulldozer-all-morning wonderful.

last night i started this post fully intending to document a list in amazing things joseph has said this week fashion. then i realized that i couldn't remember more than one and even that one couldn't capture the heart-warmed i just want to look at you and how are you seriously this tall feeling i have for joseph bourne linneman. conveniently the post was cut short when jeremy heroically returned from his trip to target to purchase a new and fully functioning dvd player exactly 11 minutes after he left. studfest.

i realized later though that not being able to remember all of the things joseph had said was actually kind of perfect. i think part of the reason this has been such a sweet week with him is that i've been looking at him more. an imperfect facebook/instagram break will do that for a mama -- for me, at least -- open up space to look more clear-eyed at life before me and these boys. it feels like not having those moments documented is pretty fitting.

jude, who celebrates his half birthday today and insisted on adding jo-jo to the half birthday song, has also done his share of heart melting. including saying "look-at-that!" and squealing in laughter at things like open closet doors. and this morning he said "pilot."

i like when the Lord opens up space like this. i like seeing and hearing my boys. more thoughts on taking an instagram/facebook break another time. :)

for further reading:

joy of quiet

social networks explained

on preparing for sabbath

in defense of the iphone mom

saturdays are for sharing thoughts

it was a week that made me wake up this morning and think "well, that didn't work out so well." the thought was refreshing. i've noticed that's one of the gentle ways the Lord convicts me -- a quiet thought along those lines. a very matter-of-fact moment of realizing what i'm doing is not working.

it was a selfish week. it was a selfish week where i thought the world revolved around me, and you know what's true and interesting about all of the dizzying busy selfishy self-thoughts i have had this week? they haven't changed in any bit the fact that the world does not revolve around me. i've just been thinking that it does. and it's made me miserable and discontent and anxious.

this morning i read this to the boys from thoughts to make your heart sing:

"what if the planets put themselves at the center instead of the sun?

CATACLYSM!

the bible says that's what it was like when we sinned.

God made his children's heart to join together in the wonderful dance of joy -- orbiting and circling around him. but we put ourselves in the center instead of God. we put ourselves in God's place -- which is what sin is."

it's true: my heart was made to revolve around God. not me. it's sin when i put myself in God's place. and it also doesn't feel very good. because it's not what my heart was made to do.

after the first part of our morning, the boys were watching mighty machines, and i sat down to read and think, gearing up for some deep soul-searching and pondering. about two minutes in, jude (literally) galloped around the corner and ran up to the couch where he planted himself for a few seconds before climbing all over and pulling the cushions off and balancing on the side and that sort of thing. and again with the gentle voice from the Lord: i can just do that.

it really did make me think,

i can see how this week was really bad and how selfishly sinful my heart is and how it's not working for me AND i can just gallop to the Lord and hand that to him.

(not that i'd look this handsome.)

i love that the Lord showed me my sin AND His love at the same time.

so that's what i did. that's what i'm doing. turning to Him with only this simple notion of how this whole revolving around me mentality isn't working, so i'm going to ask Him to help my heart revolve around Him instead. and not in a buckle down and get to it way -- that's the best part! the rest of the thoughts to make your heart sing:

"it broke God's perfect world. and now our hearts are out of step with God and the universe and each other and our own selves.

but God had a plan.

and a Rescuer.

one day Jesus would come to take the cataclysm of our sin into his own heart.

and lead us back into the dance of joy."

fifteen minutes left on the rice cooking thoughts:

i hope that someday my boys remember this home as the one that always sounded like prop planes flying overhead. i hope that thought fills them with home feelings.

 

reading this today -- "lift up your eyes all around, and see; they all gather together, they come to you; your sons shall come from afar, and your daughters shall be carried on the hip. then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and exult ... " (isaiah 60:4-5) -- made me want a daughter (who i carry on my hip), even though i know it's not actually supposed to be a read-this-and-want-a-daughter passage :) following the story/journey of this family from our church back in missouri makes me think about how maybe that daughter could be adopted. how incredible to hear their story of being handed their daughter and from that point on being her parents.

pandora is nice but sometimes it makes me nostalgic, and i think the greatest description of nostalgia was in this episode of mad men when don draper calls it "...a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone."

this is my favorite thing i've ever made:

and these are my favorite about-to-become-parents-who-are-awesome sister and husband who visited us this weekend:

when i was pregnant with joseph, melissa made me a beautiful bird mobile that became more of a mama-mobile given that i have never tired of starting at it. and i get really excited imagining meliss with her newborn babe looking at this mobile and trying to decide which hot air balloon is her favorite in the way i could never quite decide on my favorite bird. i can't wait for them to meet their babe.

lars and the real girl was a really good movie. my favorite scene was when the sister-in-law tells lars how everyone in the whole town is taking in bianca because of him.

this book is incredible and practical and one i think i'll return to as our boys travel from stage explorer in which they want to climb and experience and adventure to each new age. right now, the authors say my boys primarily need open space, boundaries, consistency and understanding. open space, in particular: true that. oh, spring, come quick. we are so enjoying straight to the backyard spend an hour outside life these warm(er) days.

we sold our accord for $300. jeremy's parents bought it for $500 four years ago and gave it to us. shaboom.

and finally, i know these are like four/more? years old, but this:

 made me laugh really hard. and want to quit my blog. or just keep it going but take it less seriously :)

there is entirely too much ryan gosling in this post, and i apologize.

this is a story.

and this week:

my sweet sister in the far away hospital with crazy wisdom teeth infection
and a dearest friend announcing she's moving to pittsburgh this summer

and me thinking real thoughts of no, seriously, what am i doing? that don't really sound so much like sighing mom thoughts but more i don't know about this anymore

and exploring our block to find a tree trimming crew and a prop plane windmill AND a train
and plotting a garden in the muddy part of our yard and explaining we can eat what will (hopefully) grow
and cutting out letters to welcome a babe due any day
and joseph telling me exactly how big he is to pour his own green juice in a cup with no help
and meals and help (still!) coming as jeremy recovers from surgery

is part of it.
my tiny small part of it to tell this week.

and how is it that my heart knows and sees how it is all pointing to the Lord? how it is down and painful and refreshing and scary and full and all the while He is moving and active and loving?

so often i want a conclusion.

to phone calls that hurt my heart
to struggles with sin
to really if i hate facebook so much i should just quit
to finding friends and happily bar-b-q-ing on summer nights ever after

but
it's not the end yet!
i mean really, this was just a week. a big week, yes, but this is  a huge story.
and it's not really even mine. it's His.
it's true.

maybe instead of a conclusion i should ask for a new song to sing while the story goes on.

"He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord."
psalm 40:3

refreshed, energized, motivated:
to come home and quick do the dishes and get dinner going and set the timer to fifteen minutes and see what kind of post comes out while jeremy is still on a chick-fil-a ice cream date with the boys

by:
mama time and how i put so much pressure on it and don't know how to relax and don't know why i'm doing it until i come home and feel, ahh, rested

this sermon and how everything under the sun ultimately is meaningless (and how frustrating the first part of this sermon felt) UNTIL we see how in Christ nothing is meaningless. give a listen. even if you don't listen to sermons ever.



this book and fresh thinking on how i can nurture my family (tonight by providing dinner for them), how the Lord calls us to the mundane repetitive and how good it has been to connect those thoughts with the sermon above

this post and wow, she's like a real person! thoughts and loving that she listened to the Lord and gave up her online voice in obedience

diapers FINALLY in the laundry

the sweet surprise of a christmas mix from my sister with bonus tracks at the end that make me feel so loved

a healthy dose of afternoon caffeine with just a pump of peppermint and a little sugar

this quick dinner being done and done and delicious

the space my soul needed today to rest

oh, and this:

love.

new year new you

i've been reflecting.
but because i can get kind of wordy and because i'm sort of itching to try out my new connected knitting needles and continue where i left off in parenthood, i'll keep it brief. :)


in 2012:

"hey mama, when i grow up i'm going to be an airplane. my face is going to be the nose, my arms are going to be the wings, and my feet are going to be the (lowers voice) horizontal stabilizers.." was one of my favorite things joseph said.

i learned that i can't love people if i'm afraid of them.

we bought a house.

i discovered the wonderful laundry folding motivation that is parenthood on netflix.

and more.


in 2013:

i want to SEE my boys. i don't want to escape when it's tough -- i want to dive in in those moments. (remind me that i concluded this after experiencing day 1 of grabbing my phone and zoning out when chaos begins to mount vs. day 2 of being the pilot in the airplane closet.)

i want to see how taking a break from sugar makes me feel. i bet better. i just have to get past this week, right?

i want to make things. because it really is fun to make things.

and more. probably something about meal planning and being more relationally intentional :)


happy new year!